THE MULTI-CHURCH
Americans like convenience, and in today’s world it’s multi-convenience. What is multi-convenience? It is the ability to choose from multiple options being offered at one time or location. For instance, we no longer have to choose where to go to see a movie at a single screen theatre, as we now can go to a “multi-plex” 24 screen, coliseum style one, and see the movie or movies of our choice. No longer do we have to drive from car dealer to car dealer to find the Ford or Toyota that we might be interested in, as we now can go to the “multi-dealer” mega lot and choose from many brands being offered at the same location. Even food offerings have changed and we can eat at the “food court” in a shopping mall, with each member of our family or group having their individual taste satisfied by the variety of fast food stalls available.
Where this will all take us in the future is questionable, but probably one of the greatest possibilities will be “The Multi-Church.” Here you will find the ability to go to the religious facility/sanctuary of your choice, all at one location. It will be based upon the layout of the “multi-plex” theatre and will probably be found in the suburban community you live in. Picture this.
Driving into the huge parking lot at the Multi-Church one can’t help but notice the huge marquee type, lighted sign displaying the religions located there and the starting times of their services. Upon finding a parking place among the multitude of vehicles already there, and noting your location, you take one of the many shuttles that are constantly criss-crossing the parking lots taking worshippers to and from the main entrance of the building. Welcome to Disney Land-Religion. Of course members of the Jewish faith have the advantage of being able to park up close and get a good parking place. This has nothing to do with their being the “chosen people’ but rather because they have the good fortune of having their Sabbath on Saturday instead of Sunday, when the lots are filled with Christians. Of course Moslems have the same advantage with a Friday Sabbath.
Entering the building through one of the thirty automatic doors, the congregant finds himself in the lobby of this giant facility, which features multiple overhead TV screens exhibiting the advantages and beauties of the religions that are advertising on them. Each shows views of the pastor, the inside of their facility and the happy faces of its worshippers. Each is the “perfect place for you.” Ahead of you are the gift/book stores which offer items that will improve your life, lighten your load and make you a better person by attending the church that rents this space from the management. Filtering throughout the crowd in the lobby are members of the different churches, passing out leaflets explaining the beauty of their belief and proselytizing anyone who will listen.
As you make your way thru the lobby, you come upon a wide row of turnstiles, each with a large overhead sign displaying the religion they service and in front of you a large, handsomely decorated container, into which you may leave your weekly donation or tithe for the church of your choice. This will save time during the service and do away with the awkward need for ushers to walk up and down aisles collecting envelopes and loose money. It also allows for a quicker count to see how collections are going and gives guidance to the pastor on what to say at the end of his or her sermon. An usher is standing at the turnstile, as you and your family enter, gives you the weekly church handout and helps direct you to the location of your chosen sanctuary. As you stand in this very long hallway you cannot help but see the many, many religions and their locations. For those who have to go a long way there are moving sidewalks in both directions with the usual signs, “Please stand on the right and walk on the left.” Wheelchair access onto this conveyance of course follows the guidelines of the Americans With Disabilities Act.
Each of the many coliseum type sanctuaries are not only sized by the membership requirements of the church, but seating arrangements, altars, choir areas and decorations are custom fitted for the needs. For instance:
Many churches have fake, back lighted, stain glass windows.
The Catholic Church has kneeling railings that, due to the coliseum design, allows for the congregant to see over the person in front of them even when on their knees.
Holy Rollers have padded walls for sound control.
Southern Baptists have airlock entrances which filter out any new, reasonable ideas.
Atheists have an empty room with only a huge lighted question mark on the altar.
Jews have a sanctuary that converts into a catering hall that can be rented out for weddings and bar mitzvahs. A kosher kitchen is attached.
Mormons have sky boxes for men with more than five wives and their families.
The Amish have a back entrance for their horses and carriages to pull right up to the building.
All in all, the owners of the Multi-Church will build anything to suit your needs.
Where will all this take us? Will this spark a new revival in church/synagogue/mosque attendance? Will Lutheran sit down with Pentacostal? Will the Saints make it to the Super Bowl? Only time will tell.
Sam Schoolsky
January 29, 2002
Where this will all take us in the future is questionable, but probably one of the greatest possibilities will be “The Multi-Church.” Here you will find the ability to go to the religious facility/sanctuary of your choice, all at one location. It will be based upon the layout of the “multi-plex” theatre and will probably be found in the suburban community you live in. Picture this.
Driving into the huge parking lot at the Multi-Church one can’t help but notice the huge marquee type, lighted sign displaying the religions located there and the starting times of their services. Upon finding a parking place among the multitude of vehicles already there, and noting your location, you take one of the many shuttles that are constantly criss-crossing the parking lots taking worshippers to and from the main entrance of the building. Welcome to Disney Land-Religion. Of course members of the Jewish faith have the advantage of being able to park up close and get a good parking place. This has nothing to do with their being the “chosen people’ but rather because they have the good fortune of having their Sabbath on Saturday instead of Sunday, when the lots are filled with Christians. Of course Moslems have the same advantage with a Friday Sabbath.
Entering the building through one of the thirty automatic doors, the congregant finds himself in the lobby of this giant facility, which features multiple overhead TV screens exhibiting the advantages and beauties of the religions that are advertising on them. Each shows views of the pastor, the inside of their facility and the happy faces of its worshippers. Each is the “perfect place for you.” Ahead of you are the gift/book stores which offer items that will improve your life, lighten your load and make you a better person by attending the church that rents this space from the management. Filtering throughout the crowd in the lobby are members of the different churches, passing out leaflets explaining the beauty of their belief and proselytizing anyone who will listen.
As you make your way thru the lobby, you come upon a wide row of turnstiles, each with a large overhead sign displaying the religion they service and in front of you a large, handsomely decorated container, into which you may leave your weekly donation or tithe for the church of your choice. This will save time during the service and do away with the awkward need for ushers to walk up and down aisles collecting envelopes and loose money. It also allows for a quicker count to see how collections are going and gives guidance to the pastor on what to say at the end of his or her sermon. An usher is standing at the turnstile, as you and your family enter, gives you the weekly church handout and helps direct you to the location of your chosen sanctuary. As you stand in this very long hallway you cannot help but see the many, many religions and their locations. For those who have to go a long way there are moving sidewalks in both directions with the usual signs, “Please stand on the right and walk on the left.” Wheelchair access onto this conveyance of course follows the guidelines of the Americans With Disabilities Act.
Each of the many coliseum type sanctuaries are not only sized by the membership requirements of the church, but seating arrangements, altars, choir areas and decorations are custom fitted for the needs. For instance:
Many churches have fake, back lighted, stain glass windows.
The Catholic Church has kneeling railings that, due to the coliseum design, allows for the congregant to see over the person in front of them even when on their knees.
Holy Rollers have padded walls for sound control.
Southern Baptists have airlock entrances which filter out any new, reasonable ideas.
Atheists have an empty room with only a huge lighted question mark on the altar.
Jews have a sanctuary that converts into a catering hall that can be rented out for weddings and bar mitzvahs. A kosher kitchen is attached.
Mormons have sky boxes for men with more than five wives and their families.
The Amish have a back entrance for their horses and carriages to pull right up to the building.
All in all, the owners of the Multi-Church will build anything to suit your needs.
Where will all this take us? Will this spark a new revival in church/synagogue/mosque attendance? Will Lutheran sit down with Pentacostal? Will the Saints make it to the Super Bowl? Only time will tell.
Sam Schoolsky
January 29, 2002
posted by Sam Schoolsky | 6:36 AM
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